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38. My Ninth Piece of Translation Exercise (passage from "David Copperfield")

The original passage (taken from "David Copperfield" (《大衛•考勃菲爾》另譯《大衛•科波菲爾》舊譯《塊肉餘生記》) by Charles Dickens):

The room was a pleasant one, at the top of the house, overlooking the sea, on which the moon was shining brilliantly. After I had said my prayers, and the candle had burnt out, I remember how I still sat looking at the moonlight on the water, as if I could hope to read my fortune in it, as in a bright book, or to see my mother with her child, coming from Heaven, along that shining path, to look upon me as she had looked when I last saw her sweet face. I remember how the solemn feeling, with which at length I turned my eyes away, yielded to the sensation of gratitude and rest which the sight of the white-curtained bed─and how much more the lying softly down upon it, nestling in the snow-white sheets!─inspired. I remember how I thought of all the solitary places under the night sky where I had slept, and how I prayed that I never might be houseless any more, and never might forget the houseless. I remember how I seemed to float, then, down the melancholy glory of that track upon the sea, away into the world of dreams.


My Chinese translation:

這是間令人愉快的房子,在屋最上面的位置,俯瞰著月光照射得光芒芒的海。我祈禱過了,燭光也燃盡了,我記得自己仍坐著注視著水面的月光,好像希望如閱讀一本光亮的書,從中讀到我的未來;或者像是見到母親和她的孩子,沿著光線的路徑從天而降到來看望我,就如那次我最後見到她甜美的面容時望著我一般。我記得當我最終轉移了視線,目光落到白布簾圍著的床時,它──和更多的是那份躺在上面偎依著雪白床單時的軟綿綿的感覺!──觸動了我,把我肅穆的思緒轉移到感激和安息的心情。我記得如何想起了所有自己曾於夜空下獨眠的地方,想起了祈求上天自己永遠不再會流離失所,永遠不會忘記流離失所的人。我記得然後好像自己如何順著那憂鬱的榮光下滑到海上,隨水浮進到夢的世界。


Translation of the same passage copied from a book for comparison:

房間在頂層,很舒服,俯瞰海洋,海上月色燦然。我做完禱告,蠟燭已經熄了,我記得還坐著望水面的月光,好像月光是一本晶瑩的書,可以覺察出自己的命運,或者看到我母親,帶了她的孩子,沿那條發光的路從天上下來,望著我,就好像我望著她美麗的臉的時候,她望著我的那樣。我記得,末了,我把眼睛移開,看到掛了潔白帳子的床,心裡莊嚴的感覺給感激、安舒的感覺代替了。輕輕躺下之後,在雪白的被單裡,這種種感覺又加強了多少啊!──簡直是感動。我又記得在夜裡天幕好些地方孤獨無伴睡覺的情形,怎樣祈禱,再不要無家可歸,不要忘記無家可歸的人。記得隨即好像沿著海面上那條引起悲傷的發光的軌跡,飄浮過去,進入夢境。

(Written on May 1, 2011)