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54. My Thirteenth Piece of Translation Exercise (passage from "Jane Eyre")

The original passage (taken from "Jane Eyre" (《簡愛》) by Charlotte Bronte):

During January, February, and part of March, the deep snows, and, after their melting, the almost impassable roads, prevented our stirring beyond the garden walls, except to go to church, but within these limits we had to pass an hour every day in the open air. Our clothing was insufficient to protect us from the severe cold; we had no boots, the snow got into our shoes, and melted there; our ungloved hands became numbed and covered with chilblains, as were our feet. I remember well the distracting irritation I endured from this cause every evening, when my feet inflamed, and the torture of thrusting the swelled, raw, and stiff toes into my shoes in the morning. Then the scanty supply of food was distressing: with the keen appetites of growing children, we had scarcely sufficient to keep alive a delicate invalid. From this deficiency of nourishment resulted an abuse which pressed hardly on the younger pupils: whenever the famished great girls had an opportunity they would coax or menace the little ones out of their portion. Many a time I have shared between two claimants the precious morsel of brown bread distributed at tea-time, and after relinquishing to a third half the contents of my mug of coffee, I have swallowed the remainder with an accompaniment of secret tears, forced from me by the exigency of hunger.


My Chinese translation:

於一月、二月和三月頭,除了到教堂的日子,厚厚的積雪,以及融雪後無路可行把我們與園子牆壁外的世界完全隔絕開來。可是,在這個圍牆內我們每天仍須到露天地方活動一小時。我們的衣著無法抵禦嚴寒的天氣。我們沒有手套保護的手變得麻木和長滿了凍瘡,那雙雪從鞋子溜進去後融化缺乏靴子保護的腳,同樣變得麻木和長滿了凍瘡。每到晚上當我雙腳發紅腫痛,以及早上當我勉強把腫脹、僵硬的腳趾擠進鞋裡時都痛楚難耐,那種錐心泣血般的痛楚深深刻印在我腦海裡。接著要忍受食物少得可憐無法飽肚的折磨──完全滿足不到我們發育時期旺盛的食慾和維持到我們柔弱不堪的軀體的生命。這種營養匱乏的情況令細小的學生深受欺凌之苦:飢腸轆轆的大女孩一有機會便脅迫、威嚇細小的女孩,強行分走她們的食物。曾經多次於膳食時間我不得不把分配到的已經份量不多、十分罕有的啡麵包分給兩個脅迫者,以及被迫把半杯咖啡分給第三個脅迫者,伴隨我嚥下餘下食物的是我暗裡流淌的淚水──飢餓折磨下迫出來的淚水。


Translation of the same passage copied from a book for comparison:

在一月、二月還有三月的一部分,積得厚厚的雪,以及一旦融雪後便幾乎無法通行的道路,讓我們全都不能到花園圍牆外面去活動,只除了上教堂。可是儘管有著圍牆的局限,我們還是每天得有一個鐘頭待在室外。我們的衣服太過單薄,抵擋不住嚴寒;我們沒有靴子,雪鑽進了我們的鞋子裡,還在裡面融化;我們沒戴手套的雙手都凍僵了,滿佈著凍瘡,腳也一樣。我到現在還能清楚記得,每天傍晚雙腳發脹時,所要忍受的那種令人心煩意亂的刺痛,以及早上把腫脹而皮開肉綻且僵硬的腳趾硬塞進鞋子裡的酷刑折磨。食物供不應求也令人著惱;正在發育的孩子食慾旺盛,但我們的食物幾乎還不夠養活一個孱弱的病人。糧食的缺乏造成了年幼學生受到虐待的現象,餓壞了的大女孩們,逮著機會就哄騙威嚇一塊兒來,要小一點的學生們把自己的糧份分出來。有好幾次,我把點心時間的那一小口珍貴的糖蜜麵包分給了兩個向我要的人,還把我那杯咖啡分一半給第三者,然後我自己嚥下所剩的一半,夾帶著餓急了而偷偷掉下的眼淚。

(Written on February 2, 2015)