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57. My Sixteenth Piece of Translation Exercise (passage from "Jane Eyre")

The original passage (taken from "Jane Eyre" (《簡愛》) by Charlotte Bronte):

I lingered at the gates; I lingered on the lawn; I paced backwards and forwards on the pavement: the shutters of the glass door were closed; I could not see into the interior; and both my eyes and spirit seemed drawn from the gloomy house - from the gray hollow filled with rayless cells, as it appeared to me - to that sky expanded before me - a blue sea absolved from taint of cloud; the moon ascending it in solemn march; her orb seeming to look up as she left the hill-tops, from behind which she had come, far and farther below her, and aspired to the zenith, midnight dark in its fathomless depth and measureless distance: and for those trembling stars that followed her course; they made my heart tremble, my veins glow when I viewed them. Little things recall us to earth: the clock struck in the hall; that sufficed. I turned from moon and stars, opened a side-door, and went in.


My Chinese translation:

我在閘門前徘徊,我在草地上徘徊,我在路面上向前走又向後走。玻璃門的護窗已經關閉,我無法看到裡面。我的眼睛和魂魄像要移離陰森的宅第──於我來說像是個佈滿了漆黑房間的暗黑空洞──移到我面前向外伸展開來的天空──一片沒有雲玷污的藍海。月亮在那裡踏著莊嚴的步伐冉冉上升,她那球狀軀體從群山後方升起,離開群峰時像是昂首向上望,遠在她下方的群峰漸行漸遠;她志在攀上穹蒼之巔,那深不可測和渺無邊際的午夜黑洞;沿著她上升軌道上的閃爍繁星,看著它們令我心跳加速、血脈沸騰。些微事情都可召喚我們回到地上:大堂鐘聲鳴響已經足夠。我轉過身來背向月亮和繁星,開了側門走進屋裡。


Translation of the same passage copied from a book for comparison:

我在大門口流連不去,在草坪上逗留不走,在鋪道上來回踱步。玻璃門上的百葉窗關閉著,沒辦法看到裡面;我的眼睛和心靈似乎都被吸引著離開那所陰暗的房屋,離開那沒有光線的牢房(我認為是這樣)的灰色洞穴,轉向那展現在我面前的天空──一片沒有受到任一抹雲朵玷污的的碧海;月亮正以莊嚴肅穆的步伐登上天空,她的球體來自下面很遠很遠的地方,攀過小山頂時,好似抬頭仰望,渴望著要登上中天,到那深不可測、遠不可量的午夜的漆黑之中;而尾隨著她的那些顫動著的繁星呢,讓我的心也顫動起來,我一見到它們,就覺得血脈僨張。小事情就可以把我們召回塵世裡;宅子裡敲起的鐘聲,就夠了。我從月亮和星星那兒轉回頭來,打開一扇邊門,走了進去。

(Written on February 15, 2015)