Once In My Life I Was Struck Down By DepressionHomepage List

67. Once In My Life I Was Struck Down By Depression

"Depression", a term which I used to regard as equivalent to "low emotion", had never come to my head a disease requiring considerable concern. A depressed or low emotion condition, as understood by me, was only a minor temporary illness that could be recovered readily after a little rest or relaxing, and a person should be strong enough not easily getting into such low emotion condition.

Obvious it came one day I was getting more and more difficult to fall into sleep at night. My sleeplessness eventually turned into the utmost miserable condition that each night I could only keep tossing and turning in bed all night. I lost every initiative and interest to carry out my usual daily activities, such as reading newspapers or books, watching television programmes or listening to music. I felt difficult to make decision. I preferred shutting myself off at home all day.

Fulfilling my duty as a teacher in school was turning into such an unbearable heavy burden that sometimes I could hardly even breathe normally. My inability to think clearly and systematically made me difficult to plan and teach even a lower form science lesson.

The doctor told me I was suffering from a rather severe medical condition of depression. I never before had had any perception that sleeplessness could in any way be related to the term depression and this was my first time to hear that depression was a disease requiring a rather long-term medical treatment with proper medications, which may cause unfavourable side effects in the first few weeks of medications taking.

I was forced to take a sick leave of several weeks from work, but it turned out another several weeks and another several weeks of sick leave needed. This stage of treatment, nonetheless, was a total failure, and I fell into such a desperate state of hopelessness that I would have terminated my existence had I not been thwarted by the sudden looming of a feeling of enormous horror of death.

I finally survived this gloomy circumstance in my second stage treatment. Each time as I looked back at this disastrous painful period I could utter not a single word but sigh.

(Written on June 7, 2018)